Young, Imperfect and Unfinished

from INFP to ESFJ

2012-01-29T12:53:00.001+08:00

Providers take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.

Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.

Friendly, outgoing, neighborly - in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and neighbors. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.

Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others.

Dealing with Stress from Work: Guardians Bearing Up

How do you deal with work-related stress? Each personality type has different stressors and copes in different ways. Better understanding of your own stressors and coping mechanisms can help you reduce the tension and anxiety work stress often creates.

When stressed, Guardians usually report being sick, tired, sad, or worried.

Of all the Guardians, the Supervisor tends to take on the largest amount of external authority, responsibility, and pressure. When they've overdone it, their only recourse to relieving these pressures is to become sick. Of course, they don't choose to become sick, it is simply their body's response to the overload. They want to be recognized for their accomplishments and contributions. They want respect more than they wish to be liked. They will work harder and harder to earn this respect. They are drained by overly emotional responses to their directives. If disrespect continues for a long period, they may become hypersensitive to their feelings and that of others. To return to equilibrium, they need silent support from others, to cut back on responsibilities, and to practice healthy living by exercising and eating better. Says Dirk, "I learned a lesson when my doctor reported that I had high blood pressure and I needed to cut my stress level. I started to delegate more and not jump when any new opportunity for responsibility came up. I thought that was the only way to advance, but I'm getting better work from those I supervise and getting more respect from management since I became more relaxed."

The Inspector is the most likely to complain of being tired. They have a greater need for private time than the Supervisor. They, too, will assume a great deal of responsibility. Their need to be exacting coupled with too many drains on their time can lead to their becoming stressed. They can become obsessed with details and criticize their underlings or co-workers for imperfection. They can become fearful of anything that is not well-proven, tried-and-true. If they become impulsive or talk excessively about potential catastrophes, they are showing high stress. To return to equilibrium, their concerns need to be taken seriously by others and efforts need made to reduce their workload and give them more private time. Says Janice, "I find that if I keep taking on new responsibilities, I'm less effective and much more tired. My husband finally laid down the law that I needed to cut back, so I did. I enjoy my job more and my home life has improved."

The Provider is the most likely to first become angry, then sad and complain to anyone who will lend them an ear. This is quite different from their normal style of spreading happiness and making everyone around them comfortable. What triggers the stress is when others do not trust them or when they experience too much pressure to conform to a standard with which they do not agree. Interpersonal conflict with a boss, co-worker, or underling also takes a toll on the Provider's equilibrium. When stressed, they may become excessively logical and critical in their dealings with others. To return to normal, they will need less pressure from others and more solitude. Sometimes writing in a journal will help them with their sadness. They may need coaching in how to deal with adversity and decrease their need for harmonious relationships. Changing the people they interface with may help. Says Haime, "I had to learn to be more tolerant when I'm in conflict with another. I was lucky to have a mentor who helped me through a conflict with a co-worker. He advised me that most bosses don't like to deal with conflicts between co-workers. He helped me loosen up and find a way to be less intense when dealing with conflicts. It's helped a lot."

The Protector is the most likely to become excessively worried. Their highest skills come from preventing problems, and to do that one must think about what might go wrong and prevent it. But too great an overload can trigger excessive worry. Being forced to face too many new experiences can be daunting to the Protector and cause them to talk about potential catastrophes. They may experience a loss of control and even become impulsive while trying to fix all that they see going wrong. When others see them in this state, it is important to give them help and to lower their expectations about always being able to prevent every problem. Until they release some of their need for control, they will experience high stress. Rest, good nutrition, and treating themselves to peace and quiet will go a long way towards healing their stress. Says Barbara, "I was lucky that I had a boss who could see that I was too tightly wound up and worrying too much. She helped me evaluate what was important and what was not so I could let go of some of the fine details and find a better balance. Work is more comfortable for me now."

Men and Romance
Part 1: Guardian Men
By Dr. Lovegood

Guardian lovers have a tendency of coming across as boring. The true gold of their love is often well hidden behind ordinary daily acts of caring and sacrifice. Guardian lovers are likely to be stable, dependable, and predictable. Carrie's Guardian husband died of cancer. He had almost never said he loved her. After he was gone, she discovered that he had spent those last months putting their finances in order so that she and their young girls would never have to worry. She finally realized that taking care of her was his way of showing his love.

Guardian lovers usually have a set of high standards of behavior for themselves and often for their loved ones too. If they have been trained or have taught themselves how, they are generally very good at remembering and appropriately commemorating anniversaries, romantic milestones, birthdays, and holidays.

Gary is a Supervisor (ESTJ) Guardian. He is proud of the fact that he earns enough money so his wife can stay home with their three children. However, he used to be very critical of his wife's housekeeping, wanting to come home to a restful castle. Then he had to take care of the kids for a week while she was gone. He'd had no idea how difficult her job really was. It was a relief to be able to go back to work, and his criticism dropped sharply.

Alex is an Inspector (ISTJ) Guardian. He is nearing 30 and is unmarried. He has been too busy getting his career in order to think much about women. He has never dated much because he's very shy and not particularly popular with the ladies even though he's tall and handsome. He views dating as only a means of finding a mate. Now it's hard for him to find suitable women. However, his cousin recently set him up on a blind date. He's fallen for her head over heels. She's flattered by the attention but is taking things much more slowly.

James is a Provider (ESFJ) Guardian. He and his girlfriend met in their senior year of high school and have been dating ever since. They plan to marry once they have graduated from college. James is constantly showering his girlfriend with small gifts, notes, cards, and back and neck massages. Last year, she was drifting away from him, seeming to be more drawn to the strong silent bad boy types. Strangely enough, that problem disappeared once they began playing tennis together. James is a good player and can easily beat her. Now they're playing doubles and having a lot of fun.

George is a Protector (ISFJ) Guardian. Because he is so loyal, his biggest problem has been hanging on to relationships long after they are dead. He has felt that he has done all of the sacrificing and most of the work, and this has angered him. He's been assertive at work, but in love he has tended to let his partners take advantage of him. Now he's clearly stating his expectations and hopes. His relationship with his current girlfriend is based on mutual giving and respect. She really appreciates his being hardworking, kind, and faithful.

2011-09-18T00:51:00.001+08:00

One of the most important jobs of a teacher during any break is to heal. Working with people is a struggle any day. But to consistently work with people every day with the single minded purpose to help them grow and improve is a calling of great proportions that withdraws energy of great proportion.

When I am blessed with a “break,” I know that I must take “a break” lest I break under the strain. Truly, a tree without water will die and a flower without water parched by the sun will also wilt and die. So to, if I neglect the nourishment of my heart and soul, I will wilt under the pressure of being a teacher.

Teaching is a great calling, a noble calling, and towards this aim I shall ever give my life and soul so that when the last drop of my life is poured out, I shall know it was a life well spent.

" — Vicki Davis

http://coolcatteacher.blogspot.com/

Say It!

2011-09-07T01:51:00.001+08:00

Anyway, The Paradoxical Commandments (Dr Kent M. Keith)

2011-06-25T01:08:00.000+08:00

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centred.
Love them anyway

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favour underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

Officially, BT

2011-06-18T02:51:00.005+08:00

One week to being an official BT at you know where. There's anxiety and apprehension mixed with excitement and enthusiasm. this time round, i would say how incredibly SLOW time passes. that it took me so long to get to where i am and having to attend so many unnecessary ceremonies just to signify this and that. oh please.

i do not know exactly what teaching is all about but most certainly i know what teaching is NOT. it's NOT about ME. it's not about I. it's always about them. the kids. the young minds. THEIR beating hearts. it's about the sparks in their eyes. the smiles on their faces. it's about gaining their trust and getting their respect. it's about discovery. it's about dreams. it's about sharing. it's about learning TOGETHER. it's about good times as much as bad. it's seeing the world through them. and placing them at the centre of all that i do. it's about care. it's a duty of care as DGE puts it.

and it's not about the money. the promotion. the ranks. the epms. the politicking. the bad mouthing. the showing off. the fancy ideas. it's not one man show. it's not about who gets there first.

teaching, is emotional. therein you get the best rewards and the highest satisfaction. it's always the intangible that matters and it cannot be counted. i have no grand desire or great dreams to be who's who. for now, all that it matters is to be GOOD. i owe it to them. the duties entrusted to me. the powers vested in me. the faith passed onto me.

it's not a race. it's a marathon. i am fortunate to have been to a few schools and got to know so many great people who i deeply admire. even more so i am heartened to have met so many kids who have impacted on me, far more than i could have said that i have done for them. it has been a privilege to serve and i am humbled by how much difference a tcr can actually make.it's quite unbelievable that i have experienced so much and and i am still YOUNG! i'm far from being done in this vocation. there still so much out there. it's never the same again and i just have to deal with the ups and downs that come with it.

practicum has been intense but strangely unsatisfying. is it me or just the culture there? i find it rather stifling and there has been so much fault findings that it just turns me off sometimes. of course i built bonds of affection with my students and tried new things. but i don't feel that the environment has been particularly supportive or affirmative. i do not like to put on a mask and be all stunts during obs. i resent the forms and being subjected to such scrutiny at times. it's still part of the process isn't it. to be open and receptive. humble and learn. unlike elsewhere, i really have no one to look up to here. i shall keep trying.

i'm glad to have arrived at this stage and i know it's just the very beginning and there's a lot to navigate through the system. i have to play ball. i have to be on the ball. i have to get things right in order. celebrate this new phase of my life won't you? cheer me on and walk with me through the vicissitudes of my life as a BT now.

Character

2011-05-09T02:21:00.000+08:00

Your character lasts you your lifetime.

Story

2011-04-17T00:35:00.002+08:00

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true, I was made for you

I climbed across the mountaintops
Swam across the ocean blue
I cross over lines and I broke all the rules
And baby I broke them all for you

Oh because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do, I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
All of the friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is in a mess

No they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through
Like you do, and I was made for you

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

Oh but these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true, I was made for you
Oh yeah, and it's true that I was made for you

***
1000th post.

Nurturing curiosity & inspiring the pursuit of discovery

2011-03-06T10:42:00.003+08:00

To Care or Not?

2011-02-12T02:35:00.000+08:00

Chasing Chaos

2011-01-09T01:22:00.002+08:00

It's like what? One week gone of this "new" year?

HA!

One One One One

2011-01-01T14:14:00.002+08:00

Yup, Happy New Year.

Every year just gets harder and tougher. And that sucks on the bad side. However on the good side, it DOES MAKE US STRONGER.

So here's wishing everyone and myself a STRONGER SELF than last.

Wow, this blog is really withstanding the test of time, eh! 7 years is like a lifetime in this digital world.

Auld Lang Syne ... My Dear

2010-12-21T01:32:00.001+08:00

It's not the New Year till the BIG LADY belts it out the way it should!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot.. and NEVER brought to MIND.... should auld acquaintance be forget... and auld lang syne.... my dear.. FOR Auld Lang Syne My Dear...

Hope

2010-12-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

Hope is what keeps US going. Yes, I HOPE.

HAHA!

2010-11-28T21:09:00.001+08:00

Drummer Boy

2010-11-21T02:51:00.002+08:00

Nice song to usher in the year end festive season.

Hmmmm.....

Everyone always wishes next year to be better than this. for next year to be happier than this.
what if next year is worse.
i think the years just get progressively worse year after year.
2010 - i lost one close uncle, one grand uncle and one grand uncle.
from both sides of my family.
haiz.
this week or the past 2 weeks have been horrible. of grief, shock and sadness.
of loss , forever.
and i still have to go on and on relentless pursuing this second degree that is supposedly beneficial, a license to launch my career...
but i don't really i benefited that much.
my tooth hurts like hell too. just went SGH A&E .... great service! 2 days MC.
monday follow up at NDC.
I'm OUT

(Imma) CREEP

2010-10-23T23:29:00.002+08:00

This is post 990 and this video, song, lyrics, melody just about sums the state of my life up pretty pretty nicely.

Lost in Transition

2010-10-22T03:22:00.007+08:00

hmmm... Time is ticking away. this year is like mighty weird and it seems like many years squeezed into one. i'm constantly forced to move on and just take whatever that comes my way. to illustrate in a matter of months i have changed an undergraduate to a graduate to a postgraduate. from one institution to another. from one school to another. from one end to another. it doesn't even seem i'm building any career of any sorts. i'm still at a very basal level with hordes of others, being indoctrinated or trained in the most haphazard fashion, learning random points of learning, meeting people from all walks of life and most of the time just taking one step at a time.

the industrious student in me is evaporating into nothingness. the coining of a student-teacher is like a grand joke. what kind of hyphenated term is this? and inbetween the dash lies a lot of lies! hahahaa. this institution is famed for its inconsistencies and impractical ideal. like, if this how the heart of education beats, no wonder the system is always plagued with poor circulation! ahhh. the irony is deep.

this year has been another year of highs and lows. an eclectic ride. of permanent and transient changes. and the meeting of new people. interesting enough, i'm meeting, or at least think i'm, people who are genuine in making friends with me. like-minded people have a lot of potential to be good friends. and usually the question comes... so what do you besides life in NIE..

usually i got stumped for a while. what can i say? TUITIONS? oh no, im a no life idiot. spending so much time and resources on tuition for so little pay(back)? im living a one dimensional teaching life. how to articulate this intrinsic passion of teaching, the joys of sharing knowledge, of planting values and mores, of pushing limits and just simply being creative. hmmmm, occupational hazard is a frightening, even crippling thing. whatever happens to my "other" interests? of having fun?

Happy birthday EUNICE TAN!

Intimacy Vs Isolation

2010-10-15T20:58:00.001+08:00

argh. insufferable silence. unbearable quiet. ahhh... time wasting assignments. stifling intellectual climate. impersonal relationships. distant everyone.

welcome and good bye.

Sometimes We are Broken and We Don't Know Why

2010-09-27T02:31:00.002+08:00

“When we say things like “people don’t change” it drives scientist crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy. Matter. It’s always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that’s up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.”

Meredith Grey

Pride and Passion

2010-09-20T02:10:00.003+08:00

some part inside me says I should have been here a long time ago. that everything that im reading and learning has DIRECT relevance to my teaching in the very near future. and that almost everyone I meet has a shared sense of purpose/pride/passion in teaching and a great heart for the students. this is where i should be all along and not only is it nice to meet fellow like-minded people everyday, it is also inspiring to know that I'm not the only one who has a calling to teach.

i love sharing perspectives, trading stories and exchanging experiences. i like finding connections and discovering the cultures of different schs and systems. and i find myself leaning towards and listening to those mid-career entrants. some of them truly have taken a leap of faith and for that i admire greatly. here at NIE, nobody cares whether you are a MOE scholar or what. it doesn't matter anymore which is great because we are all level now. and we know that all that matters is our practicum! we are all post grads and fully salaried! and having been thru various teaching stints and prog, we are so much more down to earth and our expectations adjusted. yes add an awesome canteen and a really cool cafe in the library where i can unearth all my old secondary texts and unlock the latent memories of past learning. HA HA!

and all too soon i realised that this PGDE prog is actually shorter than expected. and im not just done with all the goodness of NIE, but the greatness of my hall experience. a fantastic room mate (PgDe PE/Math) and two really cool neighbours who are all Easterners!

HAHa!

i know happiness comes before a fall. soon i would be saying the not so nice things here. anyhow this is the place where im living my dreams. to immerse myself in a place where students form the core and basis of everything we do.

this is week 3 and it is incredible!

Yes I Like

2010-09-13T01:26:00.003+08:00

I'm liking NIE slightly more than I suspected. Yes, it's only week 2. The feel of this place is so different. I like the verdant beauty, the green garden concept and the colours while walking down the long corridors of NIE already. I like the tones and shades of the buildings. I like the louvered roofs. And the grand NIE library.

I like the smell of cocoa at night. I like the peace and quiet of hall one.

I'm liking this place slightly more than I thought. And I do think that whatever I learnt is gonna be useful to make me a better educator in the near future. It's the opening of the mind, overcoming the narrow spaces from within and willing to take a deeper step rather than a superficial dip.

It's going be week 2 and I'm ready to learn once more.

It's Hard

2010-09-01T00:50:00.000+08:00

HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY!

红蜻蜓

2010-08-16T23:54:00.002+08:00

飞呀飞呀
看那红色蜻蜓飞在蓝色天空
游戏在风中不断追逐它的梦
天空是永恒的家大地就是它的王国
飞翔是生活
我们的童年也像追逐成长吹来的风
轻轻地吹著梦想慢慢地升空
红色的蜻蜓是我小时候的小小英雄
多希望有一天能和它一起飞
当烦恼越来越多玻璃弹珠越来越少
我知道我已慢慢的长大了
红色的蜻蜓曾几何时
也在我岁月慢慢不见了

我们都已经长大好多梦正在飞
就像童年看到的红色的蜻蜓
我们都已经长大好多梦还要飞
就像现在心目中红色的蜻蜓

***
想点首歌歌我最爱的02A10!

I LOVE YOU ALL!

IT IS.

2010-08-16T00:22:00.000+08:00

Just Kidding

2010-08-12T22:55:00.002+08:00

no joke when i say there are at least 5 schs that sorta "want" me. i'm such a "hot property" ... yeah right. it's a big commitment to make.

also there are at least 5 kids that come up to me.. and say .. cher u look like my... cher u look like.... my uncle? hahahahaha

2 weeks left.

Sing a Song

2010-08-10T00:26:00.002+08:00

For Singapore! even though i find the lyrics really lame, the melody/tune is just so ehhh annoyingly catchy lah! still love the good old favs like count on me Singapore and stand up for Singapore!

i still like this place every once in a while. it stores a lot of my memories from NS to post NS to pre NUS, NUS and then post NUS and pre NIE. this online outlet holds a repository of my stories albeit not all are factually true or absolutely accurate.

happiness is a state of mind. the path im taking, the road im walking is filled with potholes. i need to keep a look out. and even though there may be bumps along the way, even though i may graze the kerb or there will be inconsiderate, self-centred or downright rude road users, i still need to cruise and drive along. check my blind spots and never, ever break that red light. it's still green, i'm still green and yes the P-plate does help. still, i need other road users to take me a little bit more seriously because even though i may be new and all that, don't cut my lane as and when u like, don't honk me unnecessary, don't patronise, don't tailgate.

i'm a driver whose petrol tank is still rather full.

if u get what i mean then good for you. it's quite a good break. good night.

Optimism

2010-07-29T23:59:00.003+08:00

Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. Make all your friends feel there is something special in them. Look at the sunny side of everything. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give everyone a smile. Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.

***
It's the little things that get to me THE MOST. it's the little things that fester the longest. the little things that trigger the largest disaster. the fault finder found a fault finder. that's it, lah.

At this rate, this is the year my blog will die. A slow, natural death.

And then.

2010-07-17T19:58:00.001+08:00

The Truth

2010-06-25T04:14:00.000+08:00

Hi, I am Back (again).

再見王子

2010-05-22T04:09:00.001+08:00

那個夏天燦爛耀眼
忽然之間下雨也沒人撐傘
是我的初戀那次失眠

你的氣味已經飄散
我還留戀心裡面共同的聲線
你微笑的臉好久不見

時間過了幾年長大了一些
心中的那個王子要說再見

再見吧我的王子守護愛情的樣子
讓回憶紀念最初感動的真實
滿口永遠的孩子慢慢懂事
用眼淚灌溉會幸福的種子

再見吧我的王子夢想還沒有消失
我會併著你的勇氣一起堅持
曬著艷陽的奔馳勾勾手指
你住的城市會有我的思念因子

後來我們各自旅行
哪些風景最讓人容易沈迷
最近常下雨但會天晴

時間過了幾年長大了一些
心中的那個王子要說再見

再見吧我的王子守護愛情的樣子
讓回憶紀念最初感動的真實
滿口永遠的孩子慢慢懂事
用眼淚灌溉會幸福的種子

再見吧我的王子夢想還沒有消失
我會併著你的勇氣一起堅持
曬著艷陽的奔馳勾勾手指
你住的城市會有我的思念因子

圍繞著你圍繞著你

握你的手

2010-05-05T13:53:00.000+08:00

山顶的风凉的想钻进我内心
沉默是我们最近唯一的话题
看曾经亲密的爱慢慢像友谊
爱是流星一坠落就不停

我们尝试让彼此差异能隐形
遗憾的是回避不能解决问题
当我疲倦的凝望你憔悴表情
再不舍得也该让你远离

握你的手坚持到最后一秒钟
哪怕爱要冰凉了至少读回忆是暖的
了解比爱难多了我们都尽力了
也许温柔是停止(再)挽留

　握你的手像耳语轻声说保重
　让眼睛就算湿了不只是痛也有感动
　以前每一次挥手都为了再握手
　但这一次是为了放手

The 'unpronounceable' volcano

2010-04-21T00:24:00.003+08:00

honestly, how do u read a name such as

Eyjafjallajökull.

this vid at cnn cracks me up! watch it:

the US military call it operation E15 - E for the first letter of the volcano, 15 for the 15 letters following that. hahaa, really like that nondescript and straight face of the pentagon correspondent. i dunno whether it's meant to be comical but i find it insanely hilarious.

i really find this funny! how we humans can find humour that transcends language and dig at our own tongues. haha.. it's only fun and funny when this spectacular eruption causes no casulties but massive air traffic chaos.

otherwise i wouldn't even use the word spectacular here. if this volcano is located near civilisation, i am sure the world response would be entirely different. but right now it seems that it's fine to marvel and be awestruck by nature's fiery again.

***
i received a sms today that made me really happy.

and one of life's happiness is when you wake up in the noon and find lunch waiting for u!

Worth It

2010-04-20T00:27:00.000+08:00

Yes, You

2010-04-19T00:34:00.002+08:00

ji BaA BOOM

Yes Sir

2010-04-13T14:34:00.001+08:00

Take This Sinking Ship And Point It Home

2010-04-09T01:23:00.001+08:00

somehow this phrase/title/lyrics just got stuck in my head and it quite aptly captures the state of my HT.

it's sinking sinking ..

3 more days to delivery.

FML

2010-04-07T01:26:00.002+08:00

even if I FUCK MY LIFE, I SHALL FUCK IT ON MY OWN TERMS.

I don't care how the unforgiving world judges me. when i SCREW UP, I SCREW UP. I just need EMPATHY and not any goddamn lecture on EXPECTATIONS.

BYE World, it is coming to an end.

A Timely Reminder

2010-04-02T00:57:00.002+08:00

as THEY SAY, I KNOW THEY KNOW I KNOW

im sort of officially done with my final empirical chapter and im now left with the conclusion and then the massive massive formatting and editing. This HT journey is really intense and yet it is also very rewarding on so many levels. Did I regret this move? NOT AT ALL.

I know i'm now so close to finishing it and I will do my utmost to see to it printing. After all, there is double pressure on my shoulders because my HT will not just be read by the NUS community. A copy will be given to PMB and also CM. Hopefully what i write can live up to expectations and i hope this shows in my body of work.

Expectations. this is a tough and harsh word sometimes. Who can handle a full time job, two home tuition, a full HT and another module. ME. it's crazy i know and sometimes i wonder just wonder if im doing the right thing.

last week ended on a gd note amidst all the gloom of meeting the draft chapter deadline. an email from the Hd herself was very much appreciated and it really makes me feel that all my contributions are not in vain. It is like being nominated for an Oscar - the recognition is there and that's ALL i ASK for. I don't even dream of winning it because I KNOW MY LIMITATIONS TOO WELL. but in the process of application, i realised once again how deeply my passions in this discipline runs and how much i committed, devoted, endured and sacrificed in my nearly 4 years at FASS.

granted that there are times of hardship, of difficulties, rough periods where i felt very much misunderstood and aggrieved but that's all over. i believe what goes ard comes ard and definitely attest to the precept of Karma

i can easily come up with a long list of things im grateful for during my time in NUS. and right now my supervisor is really the best one can ever ask for and im so so so thankful for that. i remb how i nearly did not get into FASS due to my weak grades. and how hard i worked in my second and third year alongside my heavy commitments with cca and on top of tuitions and relief teaching plus ad hoc volunteering and my sec sch alumni.

it's all dawned on me that how blessed im to have experienced so much and learnt even more. it also makes me realise how much more is out there and as Obama puts it "your body of work is never finished" each day of hard work deepens it and it expands. Oprah also adds that in order to be successful you need to harness your power to your passion! and if it feels right then just do it! each day will be a gift when you truly believe in something you are doing, regardless of what you are getting paid.

I am ending my chapter in NUS. it's just so surreal.

Tell me about IT

2010-03-21T01:09:00.002+08:00

This is not an advice, this is a bloody WARNING.

That's Right!

two chapters

2010-03-20T01:49:00.001+08:00

completing three chapters also taken a toll on my life.

the next two will be very nasty to write.
FML FML FML FML FML FML.

life and words

2010-03-18T04:34:00.001+08:00

it's only words...
im so NOT gonna make it. :(

and i only got MYSELF to BLAME.

look beyond

2010-03-17T01:13:00.003+08:00

some words wch ring true during times like this.

HT is grinding to a halt. im sinking into a new depth and cant get myself off. and for the first time i really FAILED an essay quiz/test/whatever for a mod. 15% bombed. with a rather idiosyncratic and possibly sarcastic remark on that worthless piece of paper by that "adjunct prof".

sometimes i wake up and it dawned on me that somehow i got it ALL WRONG. and that realisation is really hard hitting. and how my state of life swings so easily from one end to another. my mind wanders too much and often i wonder how different my life be if the decisions i made were different. i have had choices and i picked and chose. now it's all down to me to meet them full frontal.

perspectives change. i need to see life from a higher plane because that's where i am now. at the Univ, i should be 'standing on the shoulders of giants' and look far ahead. it's deplorable how much time i wasted looking backwards or face down.

and i need to balance. from within and from without. yes just stride on.

what i want to be

2010-03-16T01:22:00.002+08:00

im beginning to see a pattern. that everytime i fell into the deepest depths of despair, i will pick myself up and get going again. as much as it is difficult and depressing, i tell myself that i been through worse.

the time has come for me to just let go of this huge burden. it's not worth it.

sleep, still.

2010-03-14T00:29:00.002+08:00

i cannot wake.

i hate ironies. why do i keep seeing people i don't really want to see. and to the only one i want to see....

wait. just keep waiting.

March on

2010-03-10T00:15:00.002+08:00

yes, this famous quote never fails to inspire.

and meeting with my sup never fails to recharge my worn out academic batteries. it was a slightly longer session this time round and there was this moment when he said something which i find insanely funny. and it still makes me laugh when i think of it now. HAHAHAHA.

a new dream is spawned too. my sup threw me the idea that i could possibly co-write an article to be published in a second-tier academic journal such as APV!!! this is really beyond my wildest imagination but then again, you NEVER KNOW.

"Lim and Chang, 2012" - hahaha, i have a dream.

Live and Let Go

2010-03-08T01:17:00.009+08:00

honestly there are only two things which i truly care about in my life right now.

first is of course my HT, my baby and of which the body of work is surfacing far too slowly than i like it. yet i remain faithful and upbeat because this is something i wanted to do and to do it well is more of an inner motivation than anything else. and of course to top it off, my sup is truly wonderful. i dun want to let him down as well as the many people who have been behind me all this while.

the second matter is you. again. if only you know how much you mean to me and how much i wish i can be by your side every day. how often i think of you and how badly i want to be with you. and do all the little things together that means so much. you always always always brighten my day and make me smile no matter how dark and unforgiving the world outside really is. you give me hope. you ignite my passions.

but the truth is, i'm nothing more than just a friend.

live and let go.

Not the SAME

2010-03-06T00:45:00.009+08:00

I was quite disquieted, even enraged with the ending remarks of WKS that S'pore is after all an immigrant country (to begin with) to hammer home the message that we cannot do without them.

WKS splendidly noted how Singaporeans do care deeply abt foreign talents/labour issues, and "rightly so" but i wonder if he really means what he said. what he said was not new. he's just basically parroting what PM already said earlier about sharpening the difference btwn citizens and PRs. and then education became a proxy and of course i'm somewhat implicated but i'm just a servant or a service provider in the near future. all these soft skills talk sound very nice but it is all just too little too late. too much 'damage' has already been done..

but what irks me the most was when that familiar yet uncritical message about us being an immigrant society sounded off again. and somehow because of that, it loosely reinforces the notion that cannot do without immigrants. this begs further questioning about TIME AND CONTEXT. honestly, are we comparing apples with apples?

back then when our grandparents or great grand parents came to Singapore, are we a sovereign state? Are we subjected to nation building? to NATIONAL SERVICE? to SOCIAL ENGINEERING? Was the EXCHANGE RATE the same? Was the playing field the same? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!! Do we call immigrant foreign talents back then and accord them all the perks and privileges that ordinary citizens do not ever come to enjoy? NO, we don't. And yet we indiscriminately bring in people to do the dirty and dangerous jobs and tag them as foreign labour. Are we still the same from where we started off? You decide.

To add further, we see PRs swelling in numbers in the past few years in what was called opportunistic and to take advantage of certain economic phenomenon. so they come in, snatch our school places, stand shoulder to shoulder in crowded trains and buses and sometimes spit on our ground and step on our feet. they are welcomed in with economic imperatives, to bolster our productivity and make up for falling fertility. but what is missing out here (as always) is the trickle down effect. think about it, those average white collar immigrants who command an average pay of 3K come and compete with citizens here and the government is fine, it's right, to shake us up from complacency. sounds good, but, in the end, who is the one gaining the MOST from the immigrants? don't forget where the budget comes from.

it is already taken for granted, we are almost numbed and it is almost always automatically right that we have leaders who are opportunistic to absorb in "talented" ppl to inject "more competition" and be "more productive". sometimes they even slip it in and cheer it on as social diversity and just sing the same songs about harmony all the time. the real talk and the real happenings of how they the immigrants stresses both our public and private spaces, are mere noises in the grand mechanism.Money speaks louder than words.

but still, i'm not anti establishment. i'm not saying we are better off without them. i'm just saying it should be the first duty of the government to protect its citizens. times like these, i really hope for an inspiring leader like Obama who can walk the talk, and talk the talk to us ordinary folks and citizens and make us feel valued.

we too often prize economic success so much without feeling for the worth and value of ordinary lives. and don't say that just because we are an immigrant society before, we have to bow down to the forces of immigration and bend over our back to immigrants, no matter their skill level. we are not and should not be a generation of people brought up to hug our chains.

of course, it's as not as simple as that. when it comes to policy making, positivism still rules the roost. all the other rhetorical and sentimental stuff, begone.

And So It Is

2010-03-04T01:56:00.003+08:00

Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

Tired of

2010-03-03T00:58:00.007+08:00

I'm approaching a quarter of a century sooner than i like it. two dozens years on earth have taught me alot of things of who i am, not. I should be gearing towards my prime, racing full steam ahead. with gusto and passion as my bearing. life should be filled with endless possibilities. i should rise everyday with restless enthusiasm and bountiful spirits. and embracing myself for a future with no limits.

yet, how is it that i have come so far and still have so much further to go? and instead of filling myself up with positive expectancy and youthful exuberance, why am i starting to stall. and feel the burden and the weight of the world on my shoulders? and be so out of shape. why do i find myself questioning and uncertain in the darkest of hours and half asleep in the light of day? and to dawdle and delay.

i, too, get tired. weary and emotionally worn. what's worse when you meet people who simply cannot be bothered to conduct themselves with civility, to be mindful of others and simply to speak nicely. NO. there are just too many FAULT FINDERS out there and not enough solution seekers. make a mistake and all fingers fly at you immediately. people get pissed off too easily. they cannot forgive they cannot forget. this is a time of begrudging. of hedgehog complex.

all these are just too much sometimes. i wish i can be somewhere else and not be bothered by bonds, be affected by relations and be injured by unkindness, by the mean spirits all around. there is some good out there, but from where i'm at and going along, good is simply not enough. it is left out the door.

prove me wrong, somebody. i like to believe in goodness in everyone. why does it have to be SO difficult??

life is an reciprocal exchange

2010-02-28T21:58:00.000+08:00

Welcome to the worst month of the year.

walking away

2010-02-24T00:45:00.002+08:00

I love you for what I am when I am with you

the unbearable scorching sun and the heat of my HT is taking a toll on my overall wellness. my throat is terrible and my head is heavy almost all the time. life seems to be in slow mo. i had taken a MC after goodness knows how long and shudders when i know i hadnt edit the draft in 4 days. now i have only 3 days left.

it's not about the word count anymore. it's about bringing the big ideas out of my head and put them in elegiac prose and in eloquent expressions. it's about putting my passion into my work. it's about long nights and less sleep. it's about NOW.

on CNY ...

2010-02-22T01:22:00.002+08:00

a rare pic which i actually saved and edited.

the 15 days of family, fun and feast! of shaking hands and dealing cards. exchanging oranges and receiving red packets. stirring the steam boat and eating the pineapple tarts. of games and gambling. of meeting up with cousins whom u only see once a year. the OCCASION to be friendly. the TIME to be festive.

every CNY i get to know a little more about my family history. every CNY i am even more intrigued about the generational differences and even more interested to find out how things have changed. from their time to today.

age. relationships.

i don't look old or feel old. but i'm really getting older than i would like it.

staying young heart can only sound so nice. after a while, it gets awkward. very awkward.

sometimes, i forget

2010-02-20T00:01:00.010+08:00

what is it like to be caught in the rain?

i can't believe that a short message ~~from you~~ can rekindle a dying flame. that those few words could trigger back an onslaught of .. feelings.. that i long thought been put to pass. that emotional rebound - strongly, fiercely and almost passionately. the invisible yet indomitable inner swell . that unstoppable force which just makes me want to drop everything and just be there. in that shared world, perhaps without a care. the closure once again cracked. the tear(s) threatened.

Desire is an unwanted burden right now. It is a negative good.

perhaps it takes a lifetime to forget someone. but im debilitated still; torn between whether to acknowledge you or not. it had been a long time coming, again and i abhor the knee jerk reaction when it comes. this cannot be shut out. it cannot be simply switched off.

what will happen when the 12000 words is over? i cannot forever be taking cover. seeking refuge in the world of words. i cannot remain in retreat all the time. or find comfort in others words. i cannot avoid contact whether consciously or not, in that particular field of passion, because there will be the time when it arrives that i got to think about.. MYSELF. Yes, the 12000 is a legacy i like to leave. 4 years - the second longest time i been in an institution. and the learning is still abiding. im still awed by so much that i don't know. 12000 of which less than half will be probably mine. and then i forget again, that this discipline is a never ending road. soon i will reach another cross-junction. and i shall think - where to turn again? will the walk be worthwhile?

walk. for nearly a quarter of century. walk, before you run. walk, the talk. walking i am. taking in the sights, sounds and smells. keep walking. on and on.

it is scorching hot outside. yet i feel i'm walking in the rain. drenched, cold. tired.

Hiatus

2010-01-26T02:14:00.003+08:00

on an indefinite leave from Blogger.

otherwise, i'm like many others, switching over to WORDPRESS. and with my iphone, blogger is becoming obsolete!

msg me if u want to know. ok, cliched. bye.

Proud of You

2010-01-12T00:34:00.006+08:00

This is for my dearest niece !

honestly, you have done a great job and it clearly shows in your results! really lah! and we are ever so proud of you! i think my late aunt would be smiling too if she knows about this.

so don't you even think for a moment that your results are not up to mark. don't discount yourself, your hard work and your bright future and swerve to the other route when you always know you have it in you. So keep your head up high and go forth for the A's (levels) with rectitude. Moreover, whether you are a six-pointer or a sixty pointer, you are always the dearest niece!

***
i wonder how many hearts are crushed, how many dreams are dashed and how many tears are shed with the release of this year o'levels. at the same time, how many lives are value-added, how many new hopes are found, how many aspirations attained, destinies transformed.

sadness and happiness always co-exist. results are not everything, yet they can make a indelible mark in one person's life. esp in this society which covets, prizes and rewards good results. sure, it feels great to get all straight A's, be the top student and bask in all the glory. still there is no guarantee of success later on in life, even if you get straight As.

in the cold light of analysis, results measure your performance at a particular moment in time. and of course, there is every reason to celebrate splendid results. but you know what bugs us is that we do not know how to define quite clearly what is good or bad. somewhere in our genome or nature, whether intrinsic or otherwise, by nature/default/design or even being socialised, we tend to expect more, want better. perhaps it boils down to personal expectations and this always affect our sense of self. well, good or bad, i think i came from the school of hard knocks (sometimes) and i emerged somewhat better off. the greatest enemy is always within us.

besides the notion of academic success is ever changing. yes, perfect scores can open doors of opportunities (literally the gates of the so called "elite" institutions), but once you step in, it's the same old thing again -

your attitude not your aptitude determines your altitude.

Don't Look Back in Anger

2009-12-30T22:26:00.002+08:00

that's the line to live by as I cross over to 2010.

like climate change, i don't think this year has reached any resolution for me. i have weathered some intense storms, tasted some success and encountered bitter disappointment too.

this has been a year of much heat and alot of anger. blame it on passions. blame it on expectations. blame it on myself.

there are hope though. and i know more clearly than ever, what i'm living for. pressing on for 2010.

Don't You Break My Heart, Slow

2009-12-27T04:00:00.001+08:00

But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

You would run around and lead me on forever
While I wait at home still thinking we're together
I wanted our love to last forever

Because, I understand.

2009-12-27T00:29:00.000+08:00

因为太了解所以很伤心　
没有你只好听着风的呼吸　
却有种叫做时间的东西　
说没问题　最后我们会痊癒　
因为太了解我无法坚定　
这一次会要掉眼泪的决定　
有些遗憾只能一个人听
很对不起　
我还是珍惜　
所有的事情

Up

2009-12-25T21:33:00.003+08:00

never underestimate the power of a good animation film. this is really UP!!!!!

was watching this way into the morning of xmas at ty's place. this year the party is not as wild as last year but just as fun. we set another new record again!

the best part of this movie was that extras that came along with the DVD. there was this section on how they actually went to the tepuis in South America! in the end i was the only one watching the entire segment of it (for like 20minutes) while everyone slept. the landscape/landforms/the rock/the cliffs/the waterfalls/the block mountains are TOTALLY AWESOME.

i think DH would love it.

cultural face-off

2009-12-23T23:55:00.015+08:00

A typical dinner out with fren at ikea tamp bore witness to a scuffle between a prc and a (presumably) local malay man. it is quite rare to see a scuffle with such interesting socio-cultural elements, right in the midst of a crowded eating place. it is like a textbook study case come alive. thus this physical brawl stood out for the following reasons:

1) both are married men, with wife and child in tow.
2) already delineated the race of both men so this leads to point 3
3) both cannot communicate properly, can only tug each other shirts and give each other dagger stares. the malay man hostile screaming of vulgar invectives (the F words) flew right over the prc man head, drawing blank looks. (a pity, if it's a local then some sparring of hokkien words would certainly rise up to the occasion). there might be attempts to understand each other brand of EL but that is quite lost in the heat of the moment i suspect
4) apparently i figured the fight was first sparked by the malay man wife over some issue about heir children playing at the common area at ikeabistro house. i might be wrong, but an angry wife will certainly exacerbate the wrath of men.
5) the chinese man appeared to makethe first phy contact, he pushed the other man and that's when things got things heated up. they began tugging at each other tshirts and were neck to neck. it was like, i dunno.. touch rubgy?
6) no singaporeans interfered throughout. everyone just stared. it drew some gasps. the eye power was magnificent.
7) the chinese man backed off eventually but the malay man pursued him to the table. the chinese man tried act ignorant but that only fueled the malay man anger.
9) both wifes are equally angry. but the malay man wife looked more incensed
10) security arrived too late which leads to the true Singaporean response in point 11
11) a singaporean middle aged woman exemplifies our national spirit and did what she can best – exclaimed indignantly and complaint that the security man came too late and possibly the public lives are at stake- when everything is already over. Yes, Madam.
12) i almost also wanna run away.

is this incident isolated? probably. will this happen again. likely. is race a factor? maybe. will both kids be affected? yes, certain emotional scarring is bound to happen.

i wonder if the fight escalated, what will happen. the malay man kept challenging the man to a fight outside, but that is not a real call for action actually. i bet to my last dollar even if the chinese man followed him out, they will still be tugging each other shirts. when the prc went back to his seat, the other grabbed a glass bottle on the table and waved it in the air like a weapon. that indicates an act of restrain. if he is really blinded by anger, then he would have smashed it and the area would become a police scene.

resorting to violence is actually quite scary and yet intrinsically fascinating. i was so drawn into their moments of blind fury. both big grown men about to give their first punch in public.

this is an exact scenario why RACIAL harmony is important. and also reveals why racial tensions/faultlines is unlikely to ever fuse. plus, it brings the message about the foreign issue to the fore. which interestingly, many prs here claimed to live peacefully with others in the community.that kind of question has no close answers.

interesting profiles they have. the malay man is spotted with a tattoo on his right forearm. this tells something about him already. his wife is perhaps the chinese equivalent of an ah lian. very feisty and almost looks ready to join in the brawl with her husband, except that their daughter was wailing in her arms. the chinese wife is tanned, probably hailing from the southern part of prc and was equally outraged and tried to intervene to no avail. the man looks rugged and boorish. the poor boy also screamed and cried.

then the prc man retreated back to the table. and pretended nothing happened. even managed to eat something within a minute after the malay family walked away. again the hurling of vulgarities as the latter left had no ostensible effect on them but it blanketed the entire bistro/foodcourt with some deafening silence.

and hey presto, after the dust settled, one ikea staff apparated and endeavored some pathetic attempts to question what happened. she looked genuinely concern though and probably had saw the entire thing. AND THEN, a prosec security guard came and he looked equally pathetic with folded arms. perhaps to dispel some tension or salvage his face, the chinese man burst out in laughter a few moments afterward. what awkward pretence to guise over what happened! i bet his BP still running high.

it took me a while to get my mind away before resuming normal dinner conservation with my friend. in my opinion, both men were wrong and their actions gravely deplorable. worst, it had to happen full frontal to their kids. they are grown enough to know better. then again, men are well known to be reckless in the spur of moments. plus what makes this fight even more intriguing was the underlying cause and the stakes involved- their wife and child! i can only imagine both men are compelled to act in that manner to manifest their masculinity in protecting their families. again, and since this happened right in front of the public eye, would one party backing off at the earliest instance be applauded for chivalry or be scorned for cowardice? would the outcome be different if both are conversant in the same language? it could be worse.

it reminded me of some school fights i seen. public fight/dispute/brawl is a rare occurence indeed. i was seated some distance away and watching all this was like witnessing a horrific car crash. i felt so powerless in this dramatic, heated and perverse performance of power. the prc family continued their dinner as if nothing happened while the other party never returned.

case closed.

Grade Expectations

2009-12-22T13:12:00.006+08:00

OKOK, I SHALL BLOG.

but first, I MUST BITCH ABOUT NUS ISIS. WTF ARE THEY TRYING TO DO! Presumably they invest so much to migrate from one server to another, only to miss out something SO SIMPLE - login TRAFFIC. AS A RESULT, I keep trying to log into the system AS IF im trying to hack the system like that. HECK HACK HECK! is that their latest brilliant move to strengthen online security? Brainless people! What's wrong with ACES? Call this a global uni with what Asia focus BUT you cannot even fix your server right.

Ok enough. The SMS thing works though so here goes..

two modules went way ABOVE my expectations. Geog Thoughts A and Eco-D. I am utterly stunned by both. I jumped about 2 grades from my mid-terms for both. And for the latter, I am even more surprised because I know i bombed one question. This is SO OMGWTFBBQ!!! ok this sounds very juvenile. i must say my biggest thank you to prof HY, prof VS and dr BOOMS!

geog thots B and urban were within expectations! so im thankful to prof DH, prof TS and Dr (boom boom) POW!

commed went down. B-. BOO! gotta S/U it LOR!

so this sem CAP is above 4.2! and my current SJAP is 4.30!!! that can only mean one thing ...

I CAN DO MY HT WITH FULL STEAM AHEAD!!!!!! I GET TO KEEP MY PMB GRANT! YAY!!!

2 movies at JB

2009-12-16T02:21:00.003+08:00

went to City Plaza last Friday. two movies for RM17 only! (actually, it's only RM6 for the first) caught Zombieland first and then Princess and the Frog. still went to watch the former despite hearing all bad reviews abt it. hmmm.. there is one part wch is particularly funny.. haha.. the rest is the typical zombie gross stuff. hahaha.

Princess and the Frog is a winning Walt Disney movie again! i laughed so much, i think it's a crime. yes it's all stereotypical and stuff but it works beautifully and the jazz music is snazzy. of course it all ends the happily ever after and i guess it brought the child-like wonders out in me again! 4.5stars!

Princess and the Frog - 9.1/10

Zombieland - 6.5/10

最爱你的人，是我

2009-12-14T04:26:00.002+08:00

对你的思念是一天又一天,
孤单的我还是没有改变,
美丽的梦何时才能出现,
亲爱的你好想再见你一面.
秋天的风一阵阵地吹过,
想起了去年的这个时候,
你的心到底在想些什么,
为什么留下这个结局让我承受.

最爱你的人是我,

你怎么舍得我难过,

在我最需要你的时候

没有说一句话就走,

最爱你的人是我,

你怎么舍得我难过,

对你付出了这么多

你却没有感动过.

I'm Yours (ukulele)

2009-12-11T02:13:00.002+08:00

this is incredibly adorable.

thks dr booms for a really good lunch. west coast plaza. never been there in my entire life. took bus 30 back to bedok. changed bus. reached home. sleep again. wake up. dinner! then presents time. oh caught another foreign film. life is not so bad lah. tmrw JB.

maybe wordpress shld remain personal and private.

Another Rotten Movie

2009-12-10T01:31:00.002+08:00

is there any good movie in the house? NOT THIS.

another excessive long movie with a weak script. there could have been stronger moments for the characters to deliver their parts, but it seems that the perogative is still the action, to see cities melt into the crusts. funny, in all such doomsday scenario, we mankind still care enough to save animals. and somehow there will ALWAYS be GIRAFFE and ELEPHANTS. how ICONIC!

the bad science in this movie gets me switched off. a certainly ambitious movie that packs too much action and too little substance.

im officially moving over to wordpress. ask me if you want to know.

Bad Moon

2009-12-05T01:57:00.003+08:00

if i'm the editor or something, i would glady chop 45minutes off this painfully prolonged movie.

the entire development of the story is so slow, it makes watching mighty unbearable. i just get restless after a while. pale skins and milk-bottled complexions don't appeal to me at all. the portrayal of cold weather is inviting though. the landscaping of the woods was fine. that's all.

the lead actor/actress is overrated. even aesthetics have its limits in such a snail paced movie.

what a bore.

choices

2009-12-04T16:55:00.005+08:00

it is getting more tiring to exercise judgement and perception on choices everyday. making a choice now, post-21, is extremely not a linear process. life is getting more randomised, haphazard, ironic and problematic. i hope i won't descend into any quarter-life crisis soon. perhaps it's just the post-exams complex, where freedom spells a lacuna to be bridged, a gap to be filled.

the rainy days are back and it just makes sleeping in so seductive. have officially checked out of RVR yesterday and bid goodbye to my room. so now i can say i have at least spent one sem "on campus" and that's quite enough for me. interestingly, yesterday could very mean the END of all geog exams for my entire life!!! and it ended off in true tropical beauty - thunder and lightning! next sem, i don't have to do any more MPE and i hope i can just fully focus on HT!!

i love to look back sometimes, sometimes in search for meaning, others just to indulge in some bitter-sweet sentiments. it never fails to amaze me. that the day i decided to take on Geography at secondary 3 can lead me to where i am today. i cannot for a moment imagine, at least back then, sitting down in the hot and stuffy classroom situated in the neighbourhood of neighbourhoods and listening to what geog is "about", that i could take on the role of directorship of a nation-wide geog competition, attracting the best geog students from Singapore half a decade later! i never knew i could end up loving it so much at Uni, be so proud of what the subject entails and even willingly set my career on this one subject which i truly believe in!

who knows what a neighbourhood boy can achieve? ask me when i was 15 years old, NUS seems like such a big thing. ask me when i was 18, NUS seems to be the only place i want to be. and what i gotten from the UNI is beyond my wildest thinking. i cannot imagine publishing geosphere which made its round in schools across the island, made so many friends and had much fun. back then i don't even know what an honours thesis is about, and look here i am, having done a proposal which even won a grant outside of nus. now i'm almost set to embark on this 'masterpiece' or 'pinnacle' or 'capstone project' (22 dec!).

ironically, i didn't really think much about getting an A1 and A for geog when i was younger, as much as i felt bad and guilty for getting Bs for maths and science. is this some sort of unconscious competency? and now that i have entered the doors of higher learning for geography for abt 4 years now, received so much knowledge and skills from such wonderful profs and lecturers, it seems almost certain that i will be stepping out into the world, to continue to shape the learning of this subject for younger generations to come!

life is what happens when you are busy planning about tomorrow. i am glad that the choice i made when i was 15 years old, still continues to inspire me a decade later, and will surely do so for more years to come!

Last night at RVR

2009-12-02T02:55:00.017+08:00

won't be staying here again. it was good for some time though. but to choose between comfort and convenience, i vote for the former. and it's incredibly hot again. where did the cold november rain go?

year 4 is the beginning of the rot and decay for my CAP. is it that level 4 mods need something that i'm missing? either that or i'm becoming more retarded than ever. i think it's ME. my jiak kopi is going all bad. can u imagine answering an essay question totally WRONG. there is no point crying over spilt milk i know, but to check what you written is completely off tangent, it is the equivalent of an academic suicide. it is the horror of horrors and my heart froze for several seconds before i can attempt to tell myself, IT'S OVER. i can only hope for mercy in marking. and to get the next Best grade.

B.

apparently the eco-D folks are planning for a JB trip. how spontaneous! and i think im the last to know. guess i have been MIA. i have slipped off the social radar for too long as i retreat into my mugging cocoon. not that it has been that productive or amazing. this time, my mind has sauntered off the terrain of academia into another territory altogether. i strayed off track.

in other words, im mightily distracted by things that have no remote sense to studies. especially so with the release of the PSLE results and me making joint decisions about secondary school choices with my students and their parents. it made me feel important to lend advice to them when needed and i'm glad their parents trusted me and is willing to listen to my opinions.

if i can, i would grant all my students straight As with an aggregate above 250 so that almost all schools would be opened to them. they done well and have shown improvement. i am so proud of them actually. but of course being their tutor/teacher, i always wish they could have done that little bit better. i almost wanted to tell them, hey, my PSLE score is only 200 and i barely made it to express stream and it's not the end of the world. life is not fair and this makes meritocracy very problematic. on one hand, it makes mediocrity very accessible. being average or ordinary is no crime or sin. the other, if you want to shine through the system, against the odds, will requires one to be that much more bent in achievements and zealous in performance in order to make up for a lacklustre or lukewarm start. it is not impossible, but difficult. very difficult, especially for the lower middle income range.

it's the attitude, really. the attitude. and the passion. yes, this is the more difficult part especially for boys at 12/13 years old. they are still blur blocks who live everyday to play games, basketball or football. they need another 2 to 3 years to sober up for their studies or something. i figured i only found my passion for jiak-kopi at secondary 3. i need to give them more time to discover their strengths and at the same time, i must continue to stretch them in their language abilities and stir their interests. this is my first duty as a tutor.

ok, snap out of it.

one last paper on thurs and it's time to TEH-SI. how huh. if all my jiak kopi modules this time turned BAD, then how am i going to do my TEH-SI? i can also kiss my second upper class GOOD BYE. so much for wanting it. i fought for it and that's a good enough consolation. the chance is getting slimmer than ever. 22 dec will be as decisive for me as it will be for my students entering secondary.

jiak-kopi, teh-si or kopi-si, whatever come will come. i have become numbed to all these uncertainties already. it's time to pack up and go, and ponder how much my life has been transformed and changed in my 4 years at NUS.

and for all that it's worth, this is GOOD BYE.

I tried

2009-11-30T03:33:00.003+08:00

and that is ALL that matters.
in life you don't always get what you want.

孔曰成仁，孟曰取义(kong yue cheng ren, meng yue qu yi)

降或不降，不在得失，在气节

Confucius spoke of giving oneself to justice, Mencius spoke of sacrificing for righteousness
Surrendering is not a matter of victory or defeat, but rather one of virtue.

the crux is in the process, in the moments i walked, i fell, i picked myself up, i fall again, i crawled, i stood and then i walked again. never surrendering. never disparaging. never give up.

i will forge on with rectitude and resolve.

dispel darkness

2009-11-29T01:10:00.004+08:00

it was good to see the light of day again. i "got" what i "wanted".

the thing that keeps me going is the endless possibilities i see in them in general and one in particular. im excited about the weeks ahead already.

tonight is really a very heart-warming night. for many reasons deep within.

wonderful, indeed.

endless nights

2009-11-26T22:52:00.003+08:00

the night can be so very long
when i see no light from the sky
the more i look around
the more i become afraid
of the night that has yet to pass
is there any other way to go?

when we are in the new morning
i hope that we will find the way
or my heart will be in the endless night.

***
it will be hard to smile again for a long time. :(

Torn

2009-11-23T13:11:00.006+08:00

this is the kind of real HD that is worth the watch.

recently been listening to two songs- Torn and Shakespeare in Love. both songs that topped the charts in the 1990s. the music, the melodies somewhat brought me back to those halcyon days where it is not a crime to live for the moment and just "love" more freely. whatever love means...

getting over geog thots A is exuberantly emancipatory. no matter the results, i know i wrote what i could for one question and for the second, i cannot recall what i wrote. that is just how the cookie crumbles. it finally dawn on me how to just let go of all expectations already. my hons class is insanely competitive! and i'm nowhere near the top tier. i figure i will just sit somewhere in the second lower lower range.

it has been an "incredible" experience pounding on the doors of philosophical foundations and trying to get some grips on those ontological and epistemologies matter. although i don't think i got a firm footing, i got a bit of taste of it and that's enough. it has been tremendously agonising, extremely painful to pick on philosophies. it requires an immense load of patience and another boatful of courage to suck it all up and snarl at them with words. then it becomes a pseudo dope. this semester there is one key philosopher that i truly admire. KARL MARX! i read abt him in pot sci when i was in year 1 and had forgotten him cleanly. reengaging him still clearly affirms him as the number one thinker of all times! Marx is the Man! i particularly like Marxist Geographers and how they engage in denigrating each other sometimes.

i don't think i will ever regret to be in FASS and to be a Geography major. i sometimes wish though that i can take more history and sociology modules. a triple major? that's utterly impossible. but i miss those days taking hist and soci mods. they enrich my minds just as much. graduation is creeping in slowly but surely. i hope to clear the remaining exams and embark on my HT prim and proper. i must not take my HT for granted. i figured if i get 4 B- for all my geog modules, my SJAP will plunge below 4.0 and i can kiss HT goodbye. that will be an enormous embarrassment because i have signed the pmb grant already and to be disqualified at this junction is a deep shame that i dare not entertain. so even if i crumble and cui for geog tots A, i must give it my best shot for gtB and urban and eco-D. three modules to migitate one - there is much hope - especially for urban and eco-D. it will also be a complete irony if my com med does better than GTA! i find the mcqs surprisingly manageable and even more to my amazement, very enjoyable! at uni level, efforts do not commensurate with results. deal with disappointments and move on.

cheer up hons class! we are not enemies but friends! let not results strain our passions!

mind body

2009-11-22T04:06:00.002+08:00

a cheerful heart is good medicine but a crushed spirit dries up the bone.

philosophical slumber

2009-11-20T17:41:00.002+08:00

if anything, philosophies cure (my) insomnia, very muchly.

and doing the online ivle feedback exercise turns me instantly reflexive. yes, why dun anyone ask a question on that during exam. i will damn ace it with pleasure.

back to slumberland.

crazy little thing called Geography.

2009-11-15T00:41:00.018+08:00

you are an addiction.

I caved in. i thought i would be strong enough to cast you aside for one weekend. i simply cannot. you are everywhere. my mind is fragile. the more i tried to withstand the thoughts, the more i couldn't. i pushed them aside and they came flooding back waves after waves. how great, you just consumed my day, night, week and now you want my life. or is it the other way around?

why must you appear in my mind almost all the time. why do i keep thinking about the future ahead with you and all the things we can do together. again and again. like a vicious cycle, a broken record. like a rebel without a cause, an evil without a remedy. i'm helplessly hooked thinking about all the times we have had and the moments we spent. the fires ignited and the passions ablazed. we had it good some time ago. it surely meant something. yes, there is something SPECIAL in all of this, am i not right? coz truly i never left.

Heaven is a Place on Earth with you. you made me stronger than yesterday. but now i kept on falling over you. and soon i would be gone like a candle in the wind. and so i shouldn't even pretend that i don't "love" you. i do cherish you. it's beyond my control. and how i wish we can just spend so much more time together. doing nothing and everything. without a care. without 'examination'. sometimes, i can't read you. i wish i know what's going through your mind. you are so aloof, you are always just sitting down here and there but hey you can't see me. tell me why. if this ain't nothing but a heartache. and that's what makes me so damn addicted to you.

***
I've been sittin' here
trying to find myself
i get behind myself
i need to rewind myself
looking for the payback
listen for the playback
they say that every man
bleeds just like me
and i feel like number one
but yet i'm last in line

***
1 more week to go. Sad. Jaded. SIAN. What's new??

nobody nobody but you

2009-11-14T00:30:00.006+08:00

this is bad. that i'm starting all over with you again. HOW on Earth am i going to get rid of my feelings for YOU!!!!!!!!!! why do you keep doing this to me! don't play with me. i don't want to play with you already. i don't want to hurt you. nor do i want to be hurt by you.

i think you are the best thing that happened this year. yet you also create one of the biggest emotional upheaval. you are a trojan horse in my system. a virus. WHAT!

this is a crime but i want nobody nobody but you. i keep on falling.............in and out of love with you. how come you give me so much pleasure and yet cause me so much pain.

***
BOOMZ!

don't hallucinate. don't think too much. the entire story doesn't exist. don't even think about it ok! i'm just speaking to myself about my pathetic study life.

don't argue

2009-11-12T23:29:00.005+08:00

with idiots. esp ppl with **** **** and &&&&&& &&&&. they will drag you down and win you with experience.

read between the line people, read between the damn f@#$%^( LINE

忍一时风平浪静，退一步海波天空。

Reach, Higher

2009-11-11T05:07:00.000+08:00

My theme song for the week.

two dozens year on Earth

2009-11-10T01:57:00.000+08:00

after a while, it just doesn't seem to matter anymore.

24 years and what's there to my name, to my life? NOTHING. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING. It's OK. there are hundreds, thousands and millions out there who are younger, older, whatever whose name rings no bell. i have great company for not making it big. and i love that liberty it entails. in the bigger scheme of things, i will be forgotten anyway. and so will you, if you are reading this. but there is some hope. individually, we may be erased all too easily. but collectively, i believe my generation (the 1980s) will be quite (fondly) remembered. at least i think, we are born at the threshold of technology and we grown up witnessing how technology has evolved and developed over time. how our lives have changed and how we can actually claim the real rights to the (true) good old days! go figure that out yourself. yes, there are some crisis here and there, but nothing as major as the turbulence that precedes it. people my age are also rendered enough opportunities, not excessive. i wonder how i can make choices if i'm still in my secondary school years. more is really less, if you get what i mean. the generations after me will realise even more quickly how divided the world is and how unfair life will be. at the rate the world is coming, there is no such thing as equality. if anything, perhaps i would like to be born even earlier (either by a decade or a century). so that by now i wouldn't still be at university. studying in this information explosive age is formidably overwhelming.

don't believe? try tracing and evaluating the conceptual development of a particular concept in Geography lah!!!. you see how things have massively spread and changed beyond recognition! 1000 flowers bloom, my foot lah! simple things that can be sum up in 1 sentence has become so convoluted that it spins into thousands of words. to hell with reflexivity. what kind of word is that? so i don't envy those who are born in the 90s or even worse, in the 2000. the world they will inherit in 20 years time, the knowledge that they going to gain is gonna BOOMS (or lack of a better word!)like a shooting star!!! oh by the way, i will never do what i done for GTA again. i know it is going to be a spectacular failure. i will be lucky if i can get a pass. oh wells. such is the caprices of fate. i am not endowed with such intellect to swiftly decipher and dissect, cut and critique philosophical foundations. the only thing that keeps me alive, my main motivation is still my HT. if not for it, and also for the fact that i got the sup i wanted (plus the MOETA i desired), i would really say i should just go and teach for goodness sake. getting the pmb grant is a bonus, not a necessity. oh im glad for the Sarawak FT too, but the end of the one glorious week break spent overseas really spelt the beginning of the rot this academic semester. there's too many deadlines and too much to catch up. (btw, i'm sure that this a shared sentiment lah)

but then, life is ironic. if there's a bottomline, you just got to suck it up and manage your expectations. be realistic yet dare to dream. another paradox again.

it's alright. not everyone is born to make it big. nor destined for greatness. they say live as if you will die tomorrow and dream as if you will live forever.

dream on.

6000 words in 6 days

2009-11-04T22:17:00.002+08:00

one thousand per day. plus 2 presentations. this is how im going to spend my two dozen of years on earth for the two weeks.

amidst all the doom and gloom, there is one speck of brightness though. i got THE grant!!!! im tremendously impressed by how fast i got this affirmation. it's like i only submitted the proposal last week and today i got the nod from them, thru the hd herself!

so it just means i gotta really let it all out, write it all down. to summon all the confidence i got to tide through this difficult time. the grant is a good motivation for now but it surely spells even more stress in time to come. provided my exams harbour in the B+/A- zone, i am safe. if i can pocket any full As, that will be a bonus. i hate to have grade expectations actually but it's do or die now.

i need to sleep. the presentation was.... don't dwell on it. good night

NEVER ending NIGHTMARE

2009-11-02T03:39:00.002+08:00

November is an UTTER NIGHTMARE! how ironic since this is supposed to be my month !

i had a most hazy of halloween this year. and the bbq culminated with a bad tummyache which caused a bad chain of reactions. the worst was me having to submit a paper a few hrs late. :(

a massive headache comes whenever i think of geog tot A. i look at the grp ppt and my brains went bust. i look at my indiv paper and my mind went blank. and 2 more urban papers and 1 more Eco-D.

now i really cannot write to save my life.

Verdant Beauty

2009-10-31T15:46:00.006+08:00

finally i gotta commit into writing the entire trip - the "eco Odyssey" to the Land of Hornbills, the 'once-in-a-lifetime' experience, which in fact now felt like quite another lifetime away. i was so swarmed, hit and almost assasinated with deadlines and a tsunami of reading, research and reading. now the time comes to indulge in a good old bit of recollection, and a reflection is in lieu and i have to get the good vibes moving before i can start churning a 'compelling' narrative which i hope to deliver. no i MUST do and deliver it by tonight!

the picture speaks for itself already. the infiltration of sunrays through the green foliage - the quintessential communion with nature.

i think i love this module the most this sem! i would want to say i love all my modules but time, space and reality have conflicts, my resources have limits and this is conflated and confronted with the anxiety of being grade conscious, inflated expectations from others and above all myself.

it's all my own making really. i NEED to tell myself that i must write to EXPRESS my thoughts and not to impress others. it's hard though because grades are always subjective and sometimes subjected to a particular prof's preference. i would say all my Professors are Fantastic. Fun. At least, all the local ones are AWESOMELY FUN! and the "not-so-localised' one are equally FINE, till the day they give me a bad grade that is.

i love Geography and my passion clearly shows whenever i speak to my friends about it! just the other day i met up with my pri sch fren and i cannot stop talking about what i read, learnt and thought. i think i will keep defending the goodness of this discipline till the day i die.

no wait, till i get safely get over this sem, without any major crisis, i will save "the gospel of Geography" for now. am glad too that i'm done with the PMB proposal thing. it was a mad rush and im grateful for my sup help and matthew's toO!

now for the remaining papers and the ultimate exams.

happy halloween!

AHA!

Last Shall be First

2009-10-25T00:47:00.005+08:00

Another moment in time i shall savour.

This is quite an inspired weekend at the NUS Sports Award 2009 ceremony! this vid is just what i need to get myself out of the doldrums and start writing like a King!

the ceremony was good. beyond my expectations. the coordination and music synchronisation was almost impeccable. very impressive indeed! glad to meet up with former bowlers whom i have not seen for a long time. and also happy to see many of my hons classmates receiving the awards too! awesome geog ppl!

i have to keep the faith and keep on believing. that i can write well, read more, read better and hold on to the thouoght that i can the best ! and yes keep striding forward and simply enjoy the journey, find happiness in the perceived, experiental and constructed misery and just keep going! life is not about winning! it's about giving all that you got! sports can teach u some of that stuff and more than i can say. and honestly, positive spirits can be infectious and i need to soak in the good vibes to write the remaining papers of my hons sem.

it is almost time for this year to end again. what a year 2009 it's been, seriously.

International Encyclopedia of Human Geography

2009-10-22T03:43:00.002+08:00

watch this!

***
my brains are fried. totally slashed and burnt. there's no fallow time. need fertilisers to improve crop yields.

Chim-glish

2009-10-21T01:24:00.002+08:00

this video tickles my intellect and senses, causing an uncontrollable expression of laughter.

HAHAHA!

huh? i beg pardon?

i apologise for my lack of reverence, but despite all odds against me, could you do me an exceptional favour and reciprocate the stratospheric message you just delivered?

Days of Summer

2009-10-17T00:03:00.003+08:00

life should be a dance, everyday.

***
hmm...i saw you there today and just for a fleeting moment i thought i would step up and say hi.

i turned away.

Delusion(al)

2009-10-13T16:36:00.003+08:00

There is no greater joy than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality.

mission accomplished

2009-10-12T00:25:00.008+08:00

finally, i finished half my tour of tuition today!

just like they deserve a nice long holiday, i need my well-deserved break as well. except, i think i might miss them after spending so much time with them and feeling so acutely for their PSLE realities! i must say though i enjoyed myself tremendously in the process, for teaching is my life! yes it's been hectic but it's worth it for they all said the same thing when i asked if they would like to say anything to me after my last lesson - THANK YOU!

that is the greatest joy of being a teacher. to be appreciated and knowing you are there for them in preparing for this penultimate exam. at least before they step into secondary, i have done what i could and perhaps beyond. the only thing is i need to stop fretting about their results come end Nov. i tell myself it shouldn't reduce them in anyway IF they get a lousy grade and it also won't make them that much more special if they got a good grade. for of course i pray hard for the grades they deserve because they are my students and shall always be! but what im trying is that i shouldn't let grades define my perception and thinking of them. although i'm tempted to sometimes. after all, wch tutor wouldn't want their student to do well? some might use it as a vindication of sorts. i think and hope for a win-win situation.

so now i can devote more time and resources on other students whom i have sorta relegated due to this mega PSLE period. not forgetting reclaiming my social reality and life back. need to start catching up with my folks i miss! and how can i be alone with so many deadlines cosying up on me. that is really the mildest i can put. any other way would involve using the F imperative.

hahaha!

life goes on for them and for me and i am glad to have been part of this very crucial stretch of their primary school days. i know they will remember me! i am certain of my "legacy" in them, for better or worse! and of course i have very fond memories of the times i spent there. some i might continue next year, but that remains to be seen. even though i might not teach or tutor them anymore, HEY, i got like SO MANY MORE YEARS TO TEACH. they are not my first batch of students nor will they be the last!

but then one might argue, tutoring and teaching very different. the setting, expectations, delivery but one thing i think should remain constant. MY LOVE FOR THEM!

now back to Earth. honours year is hell personified, sometimes. the company makes it better. the profs usually try to make it better. ultimately, it's battling one own inner expectations and bring out the best from within. storm clouds are gathering as we enter the last part of sem one. but the silver lining is - I GOT THE SUP I WANTED!

yay!!!!

Happy

2009-10-10T22:08:00.001+08:00

Someone once told me
That you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything
Don’t you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain
Cause love wont set you free
I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy but safe as could be

So what if it hurts me
So what if I break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I’m just trying to be happy
Just wanna be happy

Holding on tightly
Just can’t let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear
Well, all these tears
They feel like they’re the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me outta here
Well I can stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by (pass me by)

So any turns that I can’t see
I’ll count a stranger on this road
But don’t say victim
Don’t say anything

So what if it hurts me
So what if I break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound

Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I’m just trying to be happy
Just wanna be happy

A Letter to a New Teacher

2009-10-09T18:11:00.002+08:00

Dear Colleague,

You have made your decision. Against the advice of relatives and friends who may have counseled you against this career path, you have decided to teach. Reasons beyond starting salary and perceived prestige have called you to become a teacher, fully aware of how little gratitude and respect teachers receive in our free enterprise society, which values wealth over society.

You have concluded that being an adult responsible for the education of children is your calling. Why is that? What do you hope to give and receive as a teacher? When you see yourself in a classroom working with other people's children, what do you see yourself doing and saying that is so necessary to you - and them? Why do you want to teach? Why this school? Why these particular children? I suggest you write the answers to these questions now; examine and discuss them with those who care about your happiness. I hope that your answers motivate and sustain you in your day-to-day struggle to make a difference in the lives of your students. I hope the answers give you the courage and self-knowledge to endure and succeed - and to find allies in your work.

I welcome you into my chosen profession. Beginning on your first day of teaching and perhaps never leaving, anxiety and self doubt may be your constant shadow. They have been for me. IN my worst moments, I have felt isolated and ineffective, even abandoned by colleagues and administrators. I see and feel the realites of my students, their wants and needs, and I think I have failed them, that I have not done the right thing, not done enough. And I have become angry, ascribing my students' failure to racial and economic injustice.

I have learned to accept, even welcome, this dread, guilt, and anger. These emotions I believe have kept me honest, a spur to understanding what I must do and a shield against facile, mindless so-called solutions that repeatedly surface in a culture that refuses to recognise complexity and confront injustice. Rather than give you advice, let me share with you how I have attempted to sustain my commitment to my students, colleagues, and students after thirty years of teaching high school in Boston.

I have learned to acknowledge and express the anger that arises from the wide discrepancy between my goals for my students and their current achievements. I ascribe this disparity to the failure of our system to do educational justice for my students. I have seen students whose power and will to learn seem to have atrophied, students who do not possess the motivaiton and self-discipline necessary to excel, students who seem conditioned to compliance or resitance. I interpret these student attitudes and behaviors as the result of low expectations, misguided pedagogy and spurious systemwide "solutions" - including the current standards and high-stakes testing movements. Nevertheless, I continue to hold my students personally responsible for their performance.

No matter how emotionally seductive and satisfying, I have consciously sought to avoid generalizations and accusations that might mitigate my disappointment at the expense of my students - their language, their parents, their race and culture. I acknowledge my frustrations and do not repress my anger. By expressing my anger, I am forced to examine my students' learning needs and my teaching practices. By so doing, I am affirming hope and the willingness to take responsibility for my students' success.

I try to express my hopes and disappointments to my students, telling them what I expect and want from them. I believe that my expressed expectations will help teach them to take more responsibility for their own education so that they will not merely comply or resist. I frequently ask them to evaluate the educational validity of what and how I am teaching. They must participate in their own education: a respectful fit between their individual cognitive and linguistic development and the school's academic requirements must be found. I have not yet succeeded in creating such a classroom community that counteracts years of negative school culture, but I will continue trying. This has been hard for me because I do not yet know how to engender sufficient student self-discipline and self-determination. Maybe you can help me, I have much to learn.

To survive and grow, I had to find colleagues who share my angers, hopes and beliefs and assumptions about students and teaching. When I have discussed my teaching with these caring colleagues, I work to specify what troubles me; I fight the fear that having problems means I am doing something wrong. By example, I seek to help my colleagues become more professionally vulnerable, to name the individual classroom realities that inhibit their success and threaten their self-image as competent professionals. I avoid solving colleagues' problems by giving them advice; instead, through questioning. I work to find a way for them to reveal what is troubling and why. Sharing difficult truths and emotions has been necessary for my personal and professional development. Fortuntately, I have been a member of several teacher-research and inquiry groups that have supported this honesty, helping me examine and improve my teaching.

But these truths and emotions have been necessary but not sufficient to endure. I have learned to turn what troubles me about my students or my classroom into a researchable question. This may be difficult at first, for I have had to cultivate an inquiry stance about my teaching practise. I have learned to do research about my troubling questions, finding and reading what fellow teachers and researchers have discovered. For example, as an English teacher, I joined the National Council of Teachers of English and the International Reading Association. I read their professional journals. I want to create an intellectual community in my school wherein teachers share and discuss articles and books. I have become a teacher because I believe in intellectual development. I must take care of my own.

I am happy that I found a profession that combines my belief in social justice with my zeal for intellectual excellence. My career choice has meant much anxity, anger and disappointment. But it has produced profound joy. I have spent my working life commited to a just cause: the education of Boston high school students. Welcome to our noble teaching profession and our enduring cause.

With hope and faith,
Stephen Gordon

(from the book - "Stories of the courage to teach. Honoring the Teacher's Heart" by SAM M. INTRATOR. 2002)

academic depression and downgrade

2009-10-06T23:20:00.003+08:00

and i think 3 days would be needed for me to get out of this rut.

geog tot Bombed. totally alraedy. and the ticket for my honours year will just end up as economy class. so saving up for 2 years to get biz class is merely a pipedream. it was good while it lasted. but now, it seemed i am destined to just sit in Economy class.

grieving over that thing. aiya it's nobody fault. it's just a confluence of factors which i engineered to disasterous effect.

tmrw is the day.

all the best.

蝴蝶飞呀 (心是成长的力量)

2009-10-04T01:29:00.005+08:00

怀旧。这首歌带来一种思念，一种回味，感慨万端。歌词也充满着意义。回味无穷。想把这首歌点歌我所有的学生。

下周就是小六会考了，希望你们能把握时机，发挥所能，全心全意地应对考试的挑战。我相信你们一定能凯旋归来，赢得一场漂亮的胜仗。

　

<<蝴蝶飞呀>>
海风在我耳边倾诉着老船长的梦想
白云越过那山岗目的在寻找它的家
小雨吵醒梦中的睡荷张开微笑的脸庞
我把青春作个风筝往天上爬
贝壳爬上沙滩看一看世界又多么大
毛毛虫期待着明天有一双美丽的翅膀
小河躺在森林的怀抱唱着春天岁月的歌
我把岁月慢慢编织一幅画
梦是蝴蝶的翅膀
年轻是飞翔的天堂
放开风筝和长线把爱画在岁月的脸上
心是成长的力量就像那蝴蝶的翅膀
迎着风声越高歌声越高亢
蝴蝶飞呀就像童年在风里跑
感觉年少和彩虹比海更远比天还要高
蝴蝶飞呀飞向未来的城堡
打开梦想的天窗让那成长更快更美好

贝壳爬上沙滩看一看世界又多么大
毛毛虫期待着明天有一双美丽的翅膀
小河躺在森林的怀抱唱着春天岁月的歌
我把岁月慢慢编织一幅画
梦是蝴蝶的翅膀

年轻是飞翔的天堂
放开风筝和长线把爱画在岁月的脸上
心是成长的力量就像那蝴蝶的翅膀
迎着风声越高歌声越高亢
蝴蝶飞呀就像童年在风里跑
感觉年少和彩虹比海更远比天还要高

蝴蝶飞呀飞向未来的城堡
打开梦想的天窗让那成长更快更美好
蝴蝶飞呀就像童年在风里跑
感觉年少和彩虹比海更远比天还要高

蝴蝶飞呀飞向未来的城堡
打开梦想的天窗让那成长更快更美好
蝴蝶飞呀就像童年在风里跑
打开梦想的天窗让那成长更快更美好

蝴蝶飞
蝴蝶飞

scaling new heights.

2009-10-01T00:06:00.004+08:00

honours is about climbing. and pushing yourself. i reached 400m then.

that was when i was having a really terrible tummyache and diarrhoea. but i endured and kept going.

i may not be the strongest, fastest or highest but i shall complete the race anyway and my way.

phenomelogy

2009-09-29T23:55:00.002+08:00

is a new found enemy of the day. i cannot believe having to deal with extract the essence of Being. i'm becoming more and more "enlightened" with the seminar classes ongoing. haha, the 'crude' group work on phenomelogy was kinda kool. except that it's not the stairways to heaven, but the slope to the Deck for kopi.

then while getting out the reflexive process in it, haha, i was asked and i began to wax lyrical until Dr P gotta stop and say something like , "eh, this is not a new age course where we gonna light candles and ...."

HAHAHHA! it was so FUNNY! and someone actually said WA LAO after a particularly profound quote was read.

yes THE WA LAO QUOTE!

phenomologically i shall not exist in the next 10 days.

geog A+B = C(ry)

2009-09-28T23:26:00.015+08:00

It is time for physical geography to bask in the sun. And so, the physical geographer, Prof DH, shot a question this morning :

"How many years can a mountain exist, before it is washed to the sea?" - Bob Dylan

You will get an A if you answer this:

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

I cannot help but to laugh at the immense comic relief of this 'joke' coming from a British professor. At least it made me felt better for I was thoroughly uneasy throughout the entire morning, simply because I have lost touch with the physical geography. The closest i came into contact with phy geog in uni was simply 1101e and i have never done a so called 'pure phy geog' such as climo or coastal or hydro or terrestrial or GIS. i have done some in-betweens such as envt sust but that's it. so i was having heart palpitations when i stepped into the Earth lab knowing that the second half would probably generate several anxiety attacks in the weeks to come.

strangely my passions plummeted, somehow during the earlier half of the lecture. it is just this mental paralysis and a tsunami of grief which pierce my heart and bow my spirits, and it's something i cannot actually define - most likely my inadequacies in coping with the rigours of this honours year. i am really not performing up to par or as i would like to. insofar, i haven't got any good grades yet. the best was just a B+ and i spend so much time on that alone. i wonder how my stamina would last me through the next 6 weeks.

so the tears threatened to leak but it didn't. the eyes just burned and the intensity of this just exacerbated the heavy heart of mine. i was once a balanced geography student, always covering both phy and human geog equally during exams. now i have become an almost wholly human geog person, who is very slanted towards the humanistic, socio-cultural front. economic and urban geog also form the main reading diet in most of the mods i undertaken. and i guess why i nearly broke down is because learning phy geog now is like getting into contact with a long lost friend. physical geog was really a good friend of mine, and i was rather attached to climo, hydro, even plate tectonics, ecosystems and such. it is almost wrenching to see those majestic landscapes, which Prof DH enthusiastically shown, which once formed a badge of honour and took the pride of place during my earlier Geography education. Alas, how disconnected and even non-chalent about them i have become. inexplicably i felt ashamed of neglecting phy geog for so long. but why? i have shed the skin of phy geog for a long time. i don't know why. this is the so called breaking out of my comfort zone in the human geog arena. coming back to physical geog should be a joyous reunion i hope.

on a broader scale, it is also quite a tragedy that there is this divorce between phy and human geog. but i guess that's the price to pay to live in this academic age. physical geog becomes more inducted into natural/earth sciences while human gets seduced into the social sciences and have affairs with the socio-cultural, economic and political fronts. hmmm... this is such an unqualified statement anyway, i think it's utter rubbish.

Monday BLUES. i am dispirited i guess because geog thought A is grilling and training us to think on a much higher level - to not focus on the content per se and to tear the article apart by teasing out and getting the philosophical positioning, ie, the ontology and epistemologies and very high powered stuff, which even the prof concedes that we do not need to know everything. it is so tough to follow through the density of their writings, which always convolute and contextualising arguments sometimes can be like searching for a needle in a haystack. and the most taxing and bizarre thing is that academics themselves are not always clear in where they stand. so i had a really fun time with my group trying to personalise such powered academics such as Mcdowell with laymen imaginations.

how to be a LEADING SCHOLAR? you need to have split personalities, bipolar disorder, multiple identity crisis and above all, ask profoundly difficult questions that nobody can answer. and in my layman mind, McDowell makes an incredible world-class rojak seller. She mixes everything up and then philosophises about how it is the intersection (mixing) of the ingredients that makes the rojak dish real or palatable,whatever that means. it is like she is asking what happens when the pineapple touches the prawn paste which is tangential to the turnip. she doesn't like the way the rojak is tossed and served and yet she cannot figure out her desired way of mixing. something like that. crazy right? I AM JUST KIDDING lah.

and being extraordinary lame, i told my reading mate, hey McDowell is a curious cat. She keeps asking so many things. I think she will have 9 lives.

and the academic catchphrase of the day: "theory slut"

promiscuity is not just about having many sex partners. in the big brain scheme of things, it also refers to academic porn. whoosh, theory slut is so kick-arse. can i call the next big academic i read about a discursive prostitute or a discourse pimp?

i am really GOING BONKERS!!!!

this is a kind of mental torture, an assault into this mind of mine which has been moulded by content knowledge rather than philosophical pontification. And i figure this is the very kind of training and intellectual exercise which doesn't sit very well in me, because i have always been geared towards content learning and developing. And thus the pedagogical underpinnnings of the module is really somehow gearing us into the trajectory of academia, preparing us for a possible career in postgraduate studies, and that's not something i am considering right now.

I guess the underlying tension and anxiety, even angst, is simply that i'm struggling to find connections between geogthots A and how it might benefit or hone my capacity in teaching next time. yes i guess im kinda dogmatic and pragmatic in a way and i'm standing in the ivory tower with feet of clay.

another strange quote to conclude which was shown during geog tot B

"You don't expect a neurologist to treat an ingrown toenail, can you?"

hahaha.

honours year becoming a dream more than a reality. and phenomenologically i am actually performing it.

wa lao.

Longhouse Reflections

2009-09-26T20:49:00.006+08:00

i'm back and i'm neo-savaged now.

Not sure whether this trip can be called or termed as life-changing, but it certainly comes close to making a deep impact and creating a big difference in me in retrospect. it was after all quite a risk taken because this recess week is crucial in catching for readings and the horrendous deadlines just all congregrate in the next 14 days. BUT, What is the worth of a grade compared to the experience of a lifetime? this sums up the premise of the entire 8D/7N journey. Yes, results do matter and can open some doors of opportunities but at this stage in my life, it is paramount to realise that in the bigger scheme of things the grades and results cannot really nor truly unlock the power of your mind nor reveal the depth of your life. that is, if you can't see and feel for it.

so i shall reflect briefly on the most significant part of the trip which was undoubtedly the Lalang Longhouse stay. i felt very very deeply at the Longhouse up the Skrang River. this Lalang Longhouse, which thanksfully hasn't been touched by (mass) tourism, has offered a real eye-opening experience and more than just that, it expanded and reconfigured my imagination richly and enabled me to think more expansively. it challenged conventions i held dear, it pushed boundaries i never knew existed and i witnessed this small pocket of community - the Ibans - living their life as it is. constantly negotiating their traditions with new technology, grappling with aspirations of the city-life. it is communal living and self sustainable lifestyles with some crops for sales but the pressure underpinning them is something as basic as disposable income for their offsprings, children's education and perhaps the hopes of a better tomorrow for the next generation.

interaction with the children left the most lasting impression in me and it's something i shall remember and cherish for a long long time. despite language barriers, we sang and dance and played. the kids are shy and sincere. it was so real and authentic, cliche as it might sound. got a little heart broken at the thought of leaving them. but 3 days really too short to have any meaningful interactions. it is nothing but just a sweet appetiser and im glad to have been there even if for such a fleeting moment.

i shall leave the acad side of things - the eco development and such jargons out for now. my thoughts still need to be very much refined before i can cast some light and tie my experiences into the academic context. right now, im still quite overwhelmed with emotions and also physically tired out. the jungle trekking was no joke but also a lot of fun. there were several 'near-deaths' encounters and luckily we always have extra pairs of helping hands to reach out and eyes to look out for one another. and how can i forget the most awesome tasting Lunch ever, the perfectly roasted chicken and bamboo-tea all consumed in total eco-friendly and biodegradable ways. and plus the crazy conversations we had while resting, trying to throw stones and making them skip across the river surface, the cooling dip and incessant digs at one another.

the neo-savages have all benefited tremendously from this longhouse stay. it is certainly worth it.

the 3days 2nights will be etched in my mind and consciousness for a long time to come. in fact i think it has been so well planted, it will definitely grow in me in the foreseeable future

so for the first time i can say this Recess week is truly well spent. it enriches me in more ways than one and i have gained invaluable insights which could enhance and expand my thinking capacity.

romanticising uni days.

2009-09-16T23:32:00.008+08:00

UPDATE: WILL BE FLYING TO THE LAND OF THE HORNBILLS TILL 26 SEPT!

see you then!

***
i shall say it as it is.

"Congratulations! You have been awarded the Honorary Award in recognition of your outstanding contribution towards the promotion of Bowling in the University." check it out here
http://www.nus.edu.sg/osa/sports/downloads/AwardList_0809.pdf

this is again another big surprise and a rare privilege which shows how eventful my University days have been.

bowling is my sport. it is a love affair. at uni it's a dream realised because i get to train and bowl alongside bowlers whom i look up, admire and even envied about. I thought i would never be good enough nor get the chance to bowl with them whom i regard as the 'elite, glamourous keglers' back during JC/A div times. more than half a decade ago, i was the bowling captain of a team who never wins but i had a lot of fun with friends all around.

fast forwarding to uni, it was wonderful and remarkable being able to meet new and stronger bowlers, make new friends and even represent the Uni in several competitions. it was a time of fun, pride and even (bittersweet) romance. it was a period of passion, perseverence and pushing yourself. it was also unforgettable moments marked by late night suppers, parties, outings and chill outs.

time past fast. relentlessly. words can neither capture succintly nor fully paint the experiences i encountered in my bowling stint. this is not to say if i did not get this prestigious award, i would discount them all. no way, bowling is still very much in me.

sad to say, i left bowling almost at my 'peak' and indulged fully in the geog arena only to get.... receive and be left...... nonetheless i don't need any awards for my 3 full year in geogsoc, the experience is a major reward in itself. although i think it would be nice to have an official letter or something, the countless emails i received of thanks and the many thank you teas i been invited to far surpasses the conventional mode of recognition. my commitment and passion speaks for itself and plus it was another privilege to know the profs so much better through all my involvements, and this are relationships i gonna treasure even when i step into the working world. more than that, it honed my skills in organisation, management, liaison and communication, as much as it exposes my weaknesses and reveals all my shortcomings. i am only Human.

3 quarters left of my honours year. 8 months to graduation.... time flies past relentlessly. today i kicked ball with some geog guys for the first time in a long long long long time. then had lunch with another buncha friends. a mid noon lecture and then dinner with half the honours class. the charade taboo thing was such a HOOT. it was so hilarious! the peeps are really a crazy bunch and we spin things out so funnily, we lost ourselves in laughter in next to no time!

times like this i will sorely miss when i step out of NUS next time. plus i am bonding very much with my room at rvr now. i have alot of attachments to this place, to this discipline, to this institution in this life, i have my highs and lows and i am determined to make it through with a big smile, arms around my friends and with my head held high.

bugaboo

2009-09-15T23:55:00.002+08:00

a word by Smith. he's such a word-smith.

LAME. grappling with geog thoughts is so ________, i don't even have an analogy for it anymore. reading after reading, and be really befuddled by esoteric things like ontology, epistemology, theories and theories of theories... like what? like why? and all the buggybow about knowledge construction.

everything, the whole academia is going to the left to the left, so much so that there is nothing right left anymore. go unpack this statement yourself.

im living parallel lives. im at the top of my game with 8 tuition kids now. WA HAA. i really have alot to say about my tutoring experience and i can say some of them will aid in my teaching next time. it's really alot about finding connections with them to make exchanges more meaningful.

the good thing is im earning at an unprecedented rate. im spending like no tomorrow. the good thing im leaving on a jetplane. the bad thing, deadlines all clustered F after i come back.

good night. bugaboo. bye.

All in a day's Work

2009-09-12T20:15:00.000+08:00

You know when you are a teacher when...

You can spot incorrect grammar and spelling a mile off.

You know all of the top children's TV shows.

You can make up games on the spot.

You realise there are never enough pencils/gluesticks/scissors in the world.

You see a child misbehaving in the supermarket you automatically give them "the look".

You have perfected "the look" which turns any child to stone.

You find yourself clicking at blank pages hoping this will make a child's work magically appear.

You are immune to the smell of farts and urine.

A social life was a thing you used to have.

You know the life story of every single child in your class, and can recognise them all from the back of their head.

Wine is essential to help you mark books.

You have programmed yourself to say "my love" or "yes darling" instead of "you fucker".

In the same way, you automatically say "oh sugar" when something goes wrong.

You dread notes from parents.

You dream of decorating displays.

The word OFSTED or OBSERVATION sends blind panic through your system.

Weekends are spent planning for next week, holidays are spent writing reports.

You can't remember the last time you blow dried or straightened your hair.

You get excited in Hobbycraft!

You can maintain a straight face in ANY situation.

You soon realised that although school hours are 8.30-3.30, your day begins at 6am and finishes at 10pm.

Stupid names of children in your class become the norm to you.

Also, you realise some names you will never name your own children, due to experiences with children who have that name!

Tea and Coffee are your life.

The staffroom is your sanctuary.

Packed lunches are a part of daily life.

You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."

You also want to stab any person who says the following with a compass "Teaching? That's just about learning how to write on a whiteboard right?"

You know what all the "must haves" for children are right now.

Knowing it's all about the blag.

You know everything there is to know about Jacqueline Wilson books.

You can sense misbehaviour without actually seeing it.

The sound of the photocopier haunts you in your sleep.

You don't know whether to laugh or cry when someone says "Teaching? That's a 9-3 job! You're so lucky!" - FUCK OFF!

When a lunchtime supervisor/helper/ta comes into your class to complain openly about them, you find yourself saying "OH dear, how sad" in an overly dramatic way!

You say things once, then repeat them, then ask if everyone understands what you are saying, before repeating again.

Your writing is now always joined up!

You know at least 5 different methods of doing multiplication (not including a calculator)

You secretly love it when a child in your class has a birthday - sweeties!

You get fed up with different news reports everyday from politicans telling you how to do your job - why don't they spend a day in a school for a change?

You find yourself using cliche teacher phrases that you swore to yourself you would never use - e.g. "pens down, arms folded, eyes front." "I'm sorry Reece, you clearly have something more important to say/be doing than concentrating on my lesson" "tuck your shirt in" etc etc

You find yourself pleading with supermarket cashiers for more vouchers for schools: "Can I please have your unused vouchers? You see I teach at..."

You start the beginning of each new term with a full set of stationery, only for it to go missing within a week. Therefore next time you write "MR/MS X" on everything, only to find this doesn't work either.

When you are out shopping in the town of your school you are greeted with at least five cries of "Hi Miss/Mr!!"

The people you work with (aka the students) are obsessed with finding out what your first name is.

You are familiar with the following abbreviations; SMT, TA, HLTA, MA, EAL, MFL, ICT, DT, NQT, QTS, SEN, GCSE, CGFS, NNS, NLS, NC, AS, SATs, HoD, HoY... and if you teach sex ed STD

If someone asks you about G&T, you don't automatically think of a Gin and Tonic. (Having said that...!)

You don't bother telling people anything about your job as they never seem to fully understand the stress...(sigh)

You count down the days till half-terms, holidays, bank holidays, weekends knowing that without them you would be headed for a nervous breakdown.

You have more control over/respect from children than their parents.

When you meet someone else who is a teacher, you have an immediate bond.

You still get nervous about class assemblies.

You loathe children who finish their work quickly!

There are headache tablets in your desk drawer.

Stickers are still a form of excitement for you (especially scratch n sniff ones!)

Other groups on facebook entitled "you know your a ... when" annoy you due to the poor grammar!

Neo-Savages

2009-09-11T00:17:00.007+08:00

i cannot believe the design of this tshirt is churned within 2 days! this is incredible and it's all thanks to the creative genius YJ and of course all our ideas input together. it is times like this that i really felt that adrenalin kicking in and for whatever mental torment i been put through, this is the reward.

can't get enough of it.

the prof is really quite a character. i mean how often do you get someone who goes pointedly blunt and yet so funny. like to illustrate or advise girls not to wear heels, he will say something like 'if you wear high heels, i bring you to the swamp then you know..."....

hahahhaa.. it's his mannerism that let him gets away with it all the time. but that's him. the mighty one. the one who speaks with such weight and even pomposity. i think it will inadvertently rubs off on me when i teach next time.

cool lah cool lah, everything is gonna be relatively alright if i keep at being positive not positivist.

time for a haircut!